Attachment influences our connections and interactions, serving as the foundation for our relationships. Our ‘style’ of attaching to others reflects our internal working model of relationships, informed by our personal histories. By understanding your attachment style—the way you relate to others—you can identify patterns in your behaviour. This awareness can empower you to navigate your relationships with greater insight and compassion.
Let’s talk about attachment
”You’re only as ‘needy’ as your unmet needs
John BowlbyAttachment Theorist
Meaning, that our attachment style is often enacted as a means of addressing emotional needs which haven’t been met in our relationships. There is no shame in this.
Overview
Attachment theory suggests that the bonds formed in early childhood with caregivers significantly impact our relationships as adults. There are four primary attachment styles:
- Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence, secure individuals are generally able to build healthy relationships.
- Anxious: Often worried about abandonment, those with an anxious attachment style may seek constant reassurance and feel overly dependent on others.
- Avoidant: Avoidant individuals may struggle with intimacy, often valuing independence over connection and fearing vulnerability.
Different relationships in our lives can reveal different elements of our attachment. It is common to have a primary style, but shift between different styles across relationships and over time.
Symptoms
Signs to watch
It’s important to note that attachment styles and their implications can vary significantly among individuals. While each person’s experience is unique, there are some common signs that may indicate different attachment styles. Recognising these signs can be a crucial step in understanding your own attachment patterns and those of others.
Fear of abandonment
This is often associated with anxious attachment. Individuals may experience intense worry about being left alone or rejected, leading to reassurance-seeking
Difficulty with emotional intimacy
Those with avoidant attachment may struggle to open up emotionally, often keeping partners at arm’s length to protect themselves from potential hurt
Difficulty regulating emotions
Individuals with attachment difficulties may struggle to manage their emotions, leading to unpredictable reactions in relationships
Tendency to idealise or de-value others
This can be a sign of anxious or avoidant attachment, where individuals may put partners on a pedestal or be overly critical to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Treatments
Each individual approach will look different, but imagine therapy aimed towards compassionately understanding where our style may originate from, and how we can begin to address unmet emotional needs which may be driving attachment behaviour.
Schema therapy can be particularly beneficial in identifying unmet emotional needs and how these may play out in our relationships (our attachment style). Therapy which focuses on noticing and building the therapeutic relationship are particularly important in identifying and altering ways of relating in relationships.
Tips & Tricks
Try for today
Let’s focus on what you can do right now, manageable and simple strategies that can help you navigate through the day. Here are some suggestions for “Try for today”:
Tips & Tricks
Try for tomorrow
Now, let’s focus on what you can do to grow and get better. Here we share some proactive strategies and resources that can help you not just survive, but thrive, as you journey towards overcoming depression.
Seek Help
When to seek professional help
If you notice persistent patterns of relationship difficulties which are causing you or others distress, you may wish to seek professional support. A psychologist can help you explore these patterns and guide you towards developing more fulfilling relationships.
Rebekah Davenport
Psychologist
Rebekah (she/her) is an AHPRA registered psychologist who completed her postgraduate clinical training at The University of Melbourne. Her empathetic and non-judgemental approach fosters a secure therapeutic space where meaningful change can unfold, often prompting individuals to understand the past and how it presents itself in the present.
